All Of This For My Dear Sophia Niccum.

Sophia baby I wish there was some way to make all your pain go away. I would do anything to see your pretty little face radiate with the joy, like it use to. I know you probably wouldn't see it this way but what your going through is just a bump it the road. If you get anything out of this I want you to know, things will get better. By no means will everything disappear. You know as well as anyone, if there is one thing you want to go away, it will continue to return over and over. But I want you to know that there are so many people standing on the side lines cheering you on. Don't give up. This one is for you seeing as I have failed to write in what seems like forever. So here it is. I love you. I cant wait to spend a whole week with you in Florida! I have come to a conclusion that truly upsets me; I am not the kind of person you are looking for in your life. I am the one person you should be running from screaming, but your not. I have decided to work my hardest to be that good friend. You need someone to be there for you. I want to help you make the right decisions. I love you.

I'm very sorry I haven't written.

I hope this makes up for it.

I'm making plans with the past. I said I wanted to start new. What am I doing? Is this what I want? Probably not but I don't think I'll stop myself. Why would I bring myself back to a place filled with bad memories. No matter how many tears were cried they didn't wash away the feelings. They are still there, but why? It's familiar. It's happened before and I'm going to let it happen again. I can't let it happen again. I should be running away screaming for someone to save me, but I'm not. I'm walking towards the problem. Someone needs to grab me by the hand; help me walk away. I need you. I don't know who you are yet but you will come. I just hope you get here before I crawl back into the arms of the one who silently destroyed me.



Funny, It seems he was better off without me. I was never in the picture and things were going good and then I graced him with my presence and everything was set in disarray. Once I leave things start to clear up again.What makes things ironic is my life's pages were falling from it's binding and then he comes along and I was sown back together; he leaves and the stitches bust open, and I am leaking all over. Can I go back? Can I do that to him? Can I do that to myself? I'm not sure but I do know that if I stay things will fall back into place weather they are official or not.



Why, when I think of something new, your beautiful face pops into my head. I don't know you. But maybe what I'm thinking is I would like to get to know you. It still urks me that your perfectly stunning smile is etched into my brain as a possibility. Your not. I can't have you, someone else has you. I don't want to change that becasue that would be so Heather and I don't want to do anything Heather would do. I have a feeling that I might accidently slip up. Who knows, maybe things with you and her have died down. But with my luck, they haven't.

New Beginnings

Starting over always feels good.
I think thats what I need,
A new start.
Nothing from the past holding me down.
Only the future to look towards.
I need to get rid of all of my recent mistakes.
Lord knows I have made quite a few lately.
Getting mixed up in a number of boys,
all happening to be very bad news for me.
Some not as bad as others, but still trouble.
I have gotten myself stuck because I'm searching.
I should be letting whatever is supposed to happen,
happen but my greedy self wont let that work.
I keep searching and searching.
The weird thing is I'm finding people.
But even I know they wont work.
For something to work out you can't force it.
I'm forcing it.
It's not going anywhere.
So now is when I do nothing.
Let time work it's magic.
Now is when I have to get rid of everything I know is bad.
Let it all go.
Start off on a blank page.
The page is mine to fill it how I would like.
Maybe I shouldn't be in such a hurry to fill this page.
The last one is filled with swirls and scribbles,
Half of the words are scrached out,
and then rewritten.
I have to stop this nonsince.
It's getting me no where.
Here's to new beginnings.

Less then a perfect day.

We wait for it to come from the very first day of school,
We talk about it all year,
And we make outrageous plans,
But summer is really just, well,
Boring.
It's fun the first week or so.
Having no school looks like a blessing,
But after the sleeping in just because you can,
Eating food that is WAY better then school lunches,
And enjoying doing absoultly nothing all day,
There is not a single thing to do durring the day.
You can only do nothing for so long.
So here is where my problem is.
What to do, what to do, what to do.
I guess I'll go read my book.
Or, maybe I'll go lay out,
If it's sunny enough.
Cleaning is always an option,
But really, who wants to do that.
I guess it couldn't hurt.
Makes Mom happy.
Well I guess I'll stop rambeling,
and do something with my day.

Pour your heart out baby.

I have just found somethinkg that I think would be wise i kept to myself.
For her sake.
I don't know what she has read.
IF she has read any of this.
But I'm sure she had to have read a few.
I didn't really think she knew how to,
Well of course she knew how, but I
didn't think she knew how to do it well.
I guess talents are passed on.
Or maybe the feeling of craziness induces a persons ability to write.
The more I think about that the more it makes since.
When you have no one to listen,
you know the pen and paper will.
At least it feels like someone is listening.
Like you have one friend.
I'm here for you.
Let me take the crazy away.
Let me at least try.
Let me be able to look beyond my own crazy.
Let me help you.
I'm not saying I'll be much help,
just saying I want to try.

Pigs have yet to grow wings.

12:00
There was a tick on his head.
What the heck do I do?
I took him next door.
Wonderful way to start off my day?
2:00
Showering until all the hot water is gone.
So far this is the best part of my day.
2:30
Dealing with Alissa isn't that bad.
When she starts getting annoying,
touching my face only because she
knows it annoys me.
Awesome.
5:30
Wondering when my mother will get home.
Then off to the mall to get Alissa new shoes.
6:45
I will be arriving at church,
only to see the face that will
put the biggest smile on my mouth.

Its good to be home.
We have no food,
its familiar though.

My hair is annoying me.
Whats new?

I wish I could figure the simplest things out.
Guess I'm just mental.
Or maybe I'm just doing this to myself.
Which ever, it has to end.
It will, it has to.
I'll figure it out somehow.

Show me a guy that isn't out to get some,
and I'll show you,
the sky isn't blue,
the grass isn't green,
and we will all live forever.
It just doesn't happen.
People say it's possible,
to find a guy like that.
I say it's impossible.

Piece Me Back Together.

I can't do this.
Silly of me to think I can.
I'm weak.
Hold me.
Love me.
Don't EVER let me go.
Help me breathe.
I can't believe he exists now.
Stay with me,
Until I know he does.
Keep me from trouble.
Be my good influence.
I need one of those.
I'm an emotional wreck.
Pull me back together.
I wouldn't ask if I didn't think you would.
I know you love me,
You haven't left me yet,
That shows something.
Your the only one I trust.
I need you.
I love you Sophia.

Where Are You?

Where are you?
Why cant I see you?
Why did you leave?
She prays to you everyday.
Why cant you listen to her.
Why don't you answer her prayers.
She depends so much on you.
You are everything to her.
You are her hope.
You are her strength.
You are her guidance.
Why are you letting her down?
Why are you letting me down?
I don't think you exist anymore.
If you are so powerful, why don't you help?
What are you doing?
What are you waiting for?
Things are beyond broken.
They are shattered.
Quite frankly I don't think this is mend able.
I don't think this thing called my family is mend able.
I'm so scared of him.
Why do you let him scare me.
I cant love him.
I don't want to love him.
You have to love him for me.
He is the monster of my nightmares.
He no longer is father to me.
I don't think he has been for quite some time.
He is now just the face of evil.
When people think hatred they think the devil.
When I think hatred I see my fathers face.
Nothing ever changes.
He seems to be switching roles every month or so.
But the one role he plays the best is the Beast.
Everyone else looks at him and sees an old balding guy.
I look at him, at his very best, and his eyes glow,
His teeth sharpen, nails grow, and he is covered in fur.
Don't make him angry.
He will rip you apart.
Say one wrong thing and his razor sharp fangs,
are ready to pierce through your throat like it was butter.
Try and turn and run but he is right on you,
nails ripping you limb from limb.
I want him to go away.
I want you to come back.
So many people say you are there.
I have never felt so alone in my life.
Please, do something.
Prove to me I didn't just write this whole thing,
to someone who doesn't even exist.

Rebellious Summer.

Sophia Niccum is the ugliest thing to walk the planet Earth....

JUST KIDDING!

So you know how the other day I was saying that this summer could go one of two ways,
Yeah well I think I know which way its heading towards.
Numero Dos.
Yep, that's the one where I have become an utter failure at life.
No trust what-so-ever from the "parental figures"
Whatever, they want to play like that,
so can I.
In fact I believe I'm entirely more experienced
then they EVER were in that area.
Why would that be you ask?
Oh, right, cause they were not forced to lie.
They were not forced to go behind their parents backs,
just to live like a ''normal'' teenager.
I guess that makes since cause we all know my mother,
was NEVER a teenager.
Never once did she ever want to go out and party.
Never once did she ever want to try alcohol.
Never once did she ever want to break the rules and crawl out tiny windows,
that were never made to be crawled out of.
I guess you could say my dad was a teenager.
He said he went out and partied.
He said he tried alcohol.
And I'm pretty sure he has snuck out a time or two.
But that doesn't make my life any easier,
because he quit all of that when he met my mom.
Wow, way to cut me some slack guys.
This summer is going to go how
YOU GUYS make it.
You can make it easy,
or very hard.
It all depends,
do you want your little girl to go off,
partying that much more harder,
getting that much more drunk,
and wanting to sneak out that much more.
Cause I can guarantee that if you don't let me do what I want,
that's what I will be doing; wanting to disobey that much more.
Just watch, I'll be destroying myself,
all in spite of no one but the ones who wanted to protect me.
Well guess what, your doing it all wrong,
your smothering me.
This is YOUR fault.
I hope your happy.
The summer is young,
you can stop now,
while your ahead,
you probably won't though.
Thanks for giving me the most exciting,
most rebellious challenge ever.
I'm sure I'll be able to mess it up
better then you could have ever even thought of.
Really, you just made this the best summer of my life.
Thanks.