Here I Go,

Nothing I can say is going to matter,
But I'm going to say it anyways,
Because I still care.
How could you?
At least my actions were unintentional.
You knew,
You knew everything about her.
You knew what that would do to her.
I don't even know the whole story,
and I probably won't ever,
But I know enough.
All those times you said you cared about her.
What happened?
It's true, I did something I shouldn't have,
But it was an accident.
From what I can tell,
You have no excuse.
You have no excuse for ripping my bes..her heart out.
If we still talked I would be telling her never to talk to you again,
We don't talk, but I'm still going to say,
that he isn't worth it.
He can't be good for you.
I guess it's the same for me,
I wasn't good for you,
You had to make me leave.
He made you happy,
But so does so many other things.
I still love you,
No matter what you think of me.
And I don't want to see you upset.
It sucks, because I can't tell you this.
I can't be there for you,
Thats my fault.
For now this is all I can do.
I know you so well,
You have to think about this.
Whatever the right decision is,
You know it, and I know you will make it.
I didn't know this was going on,
But I do now, and I will be praying for you,
To make the right decision,
To be content with your decision,
And for anything else that might come along.
I'm sooo sorry things had to happen like this.

Uhh, I'm Sick, The Words Don't Come As Well When You Have a Headache.

The loneliness is creeping up once again.

It happens every time.

Why am I so dependent on others to make me happy?

I have people that love me,

But that never seems like enough.

I'm tired of always searching.

I'm searching for something I'll never find.

Contemptment in my self is something I won't get,

From guys,

From friends,

I'm not sure how I'm going to find it.

Sophia, insert words of wisdom here.....

Nice Try Though.

When I said most things people say are lies,

I wasn't kidding.

I just didn't think you would be the one to prove that.

Thanks,

For being there.

Thanks,

For making the last month interesting.

Thanks,

For all the complements.

Thanks,

For all the late night calls.

Thanks,

For making me feel the way I did.

Now all that is over.

I can't even wrap my mind around what you did.

This is so unbelievable.

Bye Brett.

October 13th 2009, 9:02 pm.

So, girl gets friend,

Friend has a boyfriend,

Girl gets curious,

Girl snatches boyfriend,

Girl and friend hate each other.

Girl makes new friend.

Repeat process.

Oh what a silly girl.

Doesn't she know she is only hurting herself.

Surly someone has told her.

Does she honestly not get it?

Does she not recognize what she is doing?

Does she just not care?

I wouldn't say it is only one of those,

But a combination of them all.

You think she would learn.

But she doesn't.

At first there was a voice telling her it was wrong,

Making her feel horrible.

The second time around the voice was pushed away.

It kept coming back,

But it wasn't that hard to push it into the background.

Every time after that it got easier and easier.

How did it get to this?

Has her heart become numb to all the...

It's 9:02 and I have to go.

Things are not right.

My Hand Is Yours To Hold

And honestly I found hope,
In your arms boy,
Cause on one can replace you,
You are the rose of the weeds,
I'll never deserve you,
But I'll fight for my right,
To love you,
Till the lights all fade away,
And away,
Cause my hand is yours to hold,
When you get lonely you can call on me,
I'll be an answer to your prayer,
You can cry on my shoulder,
Baby don't hold back,
You know I'm not like that,
I'm yours.

Things are starting to fall into place now.
Not every thing is a crazy chaotic mess.
Maybe now I can relax.
I know things weren't that bad,
But they were beginning to get out of hand.
All the confusion,
The many, many uncertainties,
And the doubts.
They are still there,
Just controllable.
I was over reacting.
Not everything people say is true.
Infact, most of the things people say are lies.
Whatever, as long as you know what is right,
Everything else shouldn't matter.
Learning to trust is a good thing,
No one ever said it was going to be easy though.
How can you trust someone you just met?
Putting faith in something untangable,
Now that is a challenge.
Of course I know you,
But I have yet to set my eyes upon your face.
Maybe then it will be easier.
Maybe you should give me a call sometime,
With the intenetions of ending something like,
"Alright, see you in a little bit babe."
I'm not mad by any means.
I just want to be able to see you.
I want to be able to hold your hand.
It will happen,
The question is when?

Sweetie, You make me smile.
That's all there is to it.
Your such a positive person.
Hanging around you has been a good choice on my part I do believe.
I made a switch a while ago.
I now am positive I got the better hand.
Please, oh please, don't let me down.
I don't see that being a problem,
But you never know.
Things arn't always what they appear to be.
I would love for you to stay a while.
Friendship is what keeps me going.
You know I'm here for you, always.

True Friendship Never Dies, What Do You Call What We Had Then?

Deanna Doerr.
You my dear, are one of a kind.
Lately you have shown me what true friendship is.
You are always there to correct my mistakes.
When I'm down you pick me up.
You help me see the good in things.
Always you are there to reassure me everything is fine.
You are one crazy girl.
Peeing your pants isn't something I would call pleasurable,
But hanging out with you I'm not sure I have any choice,
It always seems to happen.
We just started getting close,
And I can only see us getting closer.
I greatly look forward to the months to come.
Honeslty who could complain,
Having a best friend like you?
All I can say is you seem to make my days a little brighter.

Confrontation.
Not something I necessarly enjoy.
Sure I'll stand up for what I think is right,
But I would rather aviod it at all costs.
Some people claim they don't like it either,
But I beg to differ.
Its simple,
If you don't open your mouth,
The issue can't be carried on.
Really, we are in high school.
You think you would know this by now.
If you have a problem,
You don't bring everyone into it.
If two people have a problem,
It should be resolved by talking,
Reasoning, and coming to an agreement.
Name calling, back stabbing, and making up rumors;
What do they solve?
Nothing.

Anyone Have a Heater?

Looking back on past blogs,
Is very strange.
Half of them I never remember writing.
Most of them are rediculously sad.
I can't remember the last time I was actually that depressed.
Thanks to my friends,
I have managed to keep myself busy.
I'm glad things are working out in my favor.
I want them to stay that way.
But one can only hope.
I got to see my best friend for the first time in a month last night,
That was a pleasant suprise.
At the moment, I am sitting in Deanna's freezing cold basement,
She is upstairs talking on the phone with her wonderful boyfriend.
I've been sitting her too long,
My toes are numb,
I have a headache from looking at the computer screan,
My stomach hurts,
And I'm really trying to streatch this out too long.
It's a bit dissappointing,
I havn't been able to write a quality blog on a while.
I guess I don't have much to say?
I hear her telling Benji a story about my brother... oh boy.
Anyways, I don't really want to get off,
I won't have anything to do untill Brett calls,
I don't want her to get off the phone,
She needs to talk to him.
So now I guess I sit here,
And pretend someone is going to talk to me on Facebook.
Blah.
Blah.
Blah.
Well I'm done now,
Bye.

Failure.

That is all I am.
How in the world could I let someone that was so close to me just slip away?
She was my best friend.
We did everything together.
We had so many laughs together.
We made everyone look and stare at the girls standing there causing trouble.
We ruined our lives together.
We became who we are today together.
She is the one and only person that got me threw the hardest part of my life.
And how do I repay her?
By letting her leave.
By going on with my days without talking to her.
By having to cancel our only plans we have made in the past month.
I wish there was more I could do.
I have a licence, but much good that does when you don't have a car.
I would come and visit.
I would come and get you,
We would drive to shop n' save and push each other around in carts.
We would climb out of tiny windows together.
Hopefully we wouldn't get caught this time.
Right now things are going pretty good.
I wouldn't need you to write me songs that make me cry.
You wouldn't have to listen to my stories about me just causing more trouble for myself and telling me its not my fault
But it would just be nice if I could see you.
I'm rambling, on and on and on and on.
I tend to do this when I can't stop thinking of something.
This has been bothering me for days now.
Sophia, I miss you.
I know this probably wont happen but it would be freakin sweet if you could please come back to my church, our church.
I know there are issues there but...
I'm just going to stop now before I start to say what I really want.
You know out of all people how selfish I really am.
And I would really like to be selfish right now,
but I love you and I want you to be happy,
Even if that means you wont ever come back to St. Charles River Church again.
I guess all I have to say now is,
I love you,
Can you be my best friend again?

p.s. did you ever find your GPS? sorry really random. ha.

In With the Old, Out With the New.

Usually this is something you do with possessions, right?
Well that's what I have always thought.
I guess that's why I may be feeling a little guilty at the moment.
I know I have made the right decision.
Being with Brett is what I want.
But knowing I treated Collin like a disposable object,
That makes me a little uneasy.
By no means did I do that intentionally.
I honestly do wish the best for him.
I want him to find someone;
Someone who can show him the same love he shows them.
Unfortunately that someone is not me.
I'm sorry if you feel the last few months were a waste of time.
Towards the end we were dying.
Hanging by a thread, you asked me to hold on.
You asked me not to give up.
I couldn't do that for you.
I didn't think I would ever want to let go,
Then I met Brett.
Five minutes into our first conversation,
And I already knew where I would wind up.
With him.
At first I denied it,
Oh how silly of me.
I couldn't help but to smile,
The sweetest voice ever was still there,
On the other end of the line,
When the sun started seeping through the window.
His laugh is the cutest thing I have ever heard.
The things he says are hilarious.
And he thinks I'm a good find.
I know, strange right?
You know, I don't think I'll complain about that to much.
I really think this could go somewhere.
One thing I'm not looking forward to,
January.
Tour for five months.
I know, that's how you make your money,
But come on baby,
I'll miss you.
You leave in three months.
Dang.
Hurry back,
I'll be waiting.
Sophia Niccum,
You have to see me soon.
Yeah, thanks for uninviting me to your homecoming,
Over a voicemail.
I love how you spring these things on me all the time.
Like that one time you called at 7 in the morning,
Over summer.
"Oh, hey, its me. yeah, were not riding down to Florida together anymore,
I'll let you sleep though. Night"
Real nice. Ha.
I can handle that,
But this, to me, sounds kinda like text message breakup.
Thanks babe, love you too.
It's whatever.
I guess I just miss you like crazy.
This blog.
sucks.
I wish I could write good again.
My mom says I write better when something is bothering me,
Someone what to piss me off?
Tell me they hate me?
Call me ugly?
Something?
That would actually be great.
Because this blog = Epic Fail.
Well guess I'm done.
Be back tomorrow.
Now I'm going to a sign language class at church.
(I know you would have been there Soph.
Secretly I think I still have hope I'll see you.
Guess we will find out when I get there,
and I feel my hopes crush all over again.)
HA. I sound pathetic.
I guess that's what happens when one day,
Your best friend randomly decides you wont see her anymore.
Alright, end of Heather's pity party.

It's Been a While.

The past month has been...
Odd I guess you could say.
Try going one whole month without talking to your best friend.
Things become a little dull.
I miss her like crazy!
She calls and says she wants to me come to a dance.
The next day she calls back and changes her mind.
Thanks Soph. ha
I guess I just want you to know I miss you.
Things are NOT the same without you at church.
Sometimes I find myself wondering around aimlessly.
Yes, I have Heather Deckard, and... well yeah, thats about it.
Come back soon and visit.
I will be getting my car
So I might be creepin by soon.
Ha how funny,
I guess it wouldnt be the first time someone is creepin on you.
Well I'm supposed to be writing your story now.
I'm in creative writing class.
The bell is about to ring,
I have to go,
I'll be on later.
I love you Sophia.
Be a good girl at school today.
Bye.

Sophia Niccum, For You My Dear.

You shut your door,

Don't let them hear,

In front of them you show no fear,

You close your eyes,

Wish you were dead,

As all the things that they have said,

Are being beat into your head,

Each morning you wake,

You wear a mask,

Pray and hope no one will ask,

Why you do such silly things,

If only they knew how rejection stings,

You don't think you quite fit in,

Now you seek acceptance from your sin,

Your digging a hole,

It's far too deep,

The emptiness is what you keep,

Locked inside,

No one can hear,

The hopeless sigh,

The silent tear,

All you want is a friend,

Someone there to hold your hand,

You seem to search in every wrong place,

Each new mistake,

Comes with a new face,

The road you take to obtain your perfection,

Seems to lead you in the wrong direction,

If only you knew how wonderful you are,

Now you think you have gone to far,

It's never to late to change your ways,

I can help you through the maze,

So take my hand,

Hold on tight,

Know you'll make it through the night,

For there is one place you will find power,

HE is with you every hour,

You will find when you search with in,

Nothing good comes from your sin,

Your life is not over,

It's just begun,

So never say,

"My life is done"

Trust in God with all your heart,

That is when your life will start.


If anything seems familiar its because you probably wrote it. I think its time you take your own advice. I love you and I know you will make it through anything. Just Trust in God he will make everything right. You know I'm always here for you. Anything you ever need Babe I'm here.
I love you.
Stay strong.

Not Yet Sixteen.

Today sucked. I missed my creative writing class and I still had to go to school. I say, there is no point in going if I have missed the best hour of the day. Whatever. I had to make up a test and my math teacher didn't even care that I walked into her class right during her lesson. Am I really that invisible? And to top it all off I'm not the only one who is sick. I got my boy friend sick and I have also managed to get my friend Deanna sick. Two points for Heather. Any ways. Besides me crabbing about my day other things have happened. First off my brother got attacked by a dog yesterday. Ha. I know I shouldn't find humor in that, but I do. On another note, my birthday is in one week and a day. I will be sixteen and I'm contemplating on whether I should have a party or not. I would rather have my friends out to eat for dinner or something but then again I keep finding people I want to invite. Having a party would probably result in alcohol getting brought to my house and then my dad kicking someones butt, and I'm pretty sure that isn't how anyone would want their night to go. So maybe ruling out the party, at least for now. Maybe I'll get a car, maybe I won't. If I want anything though it would probably be a new computer. My personal laptop that no one would be able to touch. That way no one would be able to mess with it. But that is all for now. Alissa has to do her home work. Yet another reason to get my own, I woulnd't have to share. Well I guess thats all. I might be on later.

Waking Up.

My day starts off with a phone call:
Sophia: Good morning!
Me: Hi
Sophia: So I just wanted to call and let you know that I'm not going to Brooke's house tonight...Oh, and I won't be riding down to Florida with you.
Me: Wait, what? Why?
Sophia: Oh, I don't know. My mom will talk to your mom tonight, go back to sleep.
Me: Well okay, bye.
Wow. What an awesome way to start off your day, canceled plans for the day and no longer having a 16 hour car ride with your best friend. Fantastic.
But you know what, its okay. We will both make it to Florida somehow and we can spend the rest of the week together. Maybe we will drive back together! See, I found the bright side. Ha, thats a first.
Today is also schedule pick up. This makes me happy on so many different levels. Finally something to do other then sit around wishing I had something to do. I'll go back to school and see every person I have missed over the summer. Well that would include Jamie, Deanna, Alex Curry-Lipka, and I would say Jasmine but I wont be seeing her there. One year. One year ago I was going to pick up my schedule for my freshman year. This year has been fun, but I have also had more of a struggle then I have ever experianced. I made alot of bad decisions. I'm hoping this will be the year I get my stuff straight. I need to start taking things more seriously. Not to seriously but it cant be a big party like last year was. I'm waking up to reality. I'm waking up to the fact that I can do just about anything I want to, but I have to get motivated, I have to get informed. I'm waking up to the fact that I can't jsut sit back and expect to have an awesome future. I have to work for what I want. I have to get out there and try to find where I fit. See what my options are and go for something. I will make something of myself.
I have one life to live, I have to make the most of that.
Here is to waking up to reality.
Here is to making my future.
Here is to new beginnnings.

Leaving a Legacy.

We will all leave our mark on the time line of forever. The question is; what kind of mark will you leave? Doing Fine Arts has been a real blessing. A hassle, yes, what with all the practices and such, but I know God gave this message to Rog and Brooke for 3 reasons. Reason number one; to show people that ultimately your time will come, and its up to you to decide whether you are going to "Leave a legacy" or "Make a memory that fades away" This message is such a powerful one, and I think it's mainly directed to the teens of today. I mean would you rather go out and party every night, wake up the next morning, not remember a dingle detail from the previous night, then go do it all again? Or, would you rather go on living your life knowing that your safe no matter when its "Your time" because you have God in your life? Reason number two; Sophia Niccum. God knows how much of a struggle she has had the last year. He is showing her that even though she hasn't been living up to her full potential she can change that around and life her life for Christ, she can leave her own legacy. And, reason number three; me. I know that for so long the people that love me have sat around and watched me destroy myself. They watched me destroy that legacy that I was supposed to leave. Well now they don't have to anymore. I finally got it. I sound so cheesy but honestly I don't think the meaning of this whole Fine Arts thing has officially hit home to me until now. I mean, every single word of that song sounds like its directed to me.
"Oh, I want to leave a legacy to be remembered.
More than just a memory that fades away
Because we only,
we only get one life
Free me, my hands are tied
I'm so tired of wasting time
These endless inventions
Steal my attention from real life
And when its done, when its over
Oh, I want to leave a legacy to be remembered
More than just a memory that fades away
Because we only, we only get one life
And will the world see Christ
When they look at my life?
Oh, will the world see?"
So I say from now on I'm going to do my best to leave a legacy. What is the point in going out and getting wasted anyways? God gives you every single second of every single precious day. What a waste that would be if you are not able to recall one moment of it because your too intoxicated. No smoking weed. What good does that do you? No smoking. God gave you your body. He made it in his own image. Don't ruin such a magnificent creation. No inflicting harm to yourself. You are made from his image. So go ahead, live your life to the fullest. That is what God wants. Just make sure your doing it in all the right ways.

^I'm a cheese ball. What else is there to say?^

All Of This For My Dear Sophia Niccum.

Sophia baby I wish there was some way to make all your pain go away. I would do anything to see your pretty little face radiate with the joy, like it use to. I know you probably wouldn't see it this way but what your going through is just a bump it the road. If you get anything out of this I want you to know, things will get better. By no means will everything disappear. You know as well as anyone, if there is one thing you want to go away, it will continue to return over and over. But I want you to know that there are so many people standing on the side lines cheering you on. Don't give up. This one is for you seeing as I have failed to write in what seems like forever. So here it is. I love you. I cant wait to spend a whole week with you in Florida! I have come to a conclusion that truly upsets me; I am not the kind of person you are looking for in your life. I am the one person you should be running from screaming, but your not. I have decided to work my hardest to be that good friend. You need someone to be there for you. I want to help you make the right decisions. I love you.

I'm very sorry I haven't written.

I hope this makes up for it.

I'm making plans with the past. I said I wanted to start new. What am I doing? Is this what I want? Probably not but I don't think I'll stop myself. Why would I bring myself back to a place filled with bad memories. No matter how many tears were cried they didn't wash away the feelings. They are still there, but why? It's familiar. It's happened before and I'm going to let it happen again. I can't let it happen again. I should be running away screaming for someone to save me, but I'm not. I'm walking towards the problem. Someone needs to grab me by the hand; help me walk away. I need you. I don't know who you are yet but you will come. I just hope you get here before I crawl back into the arms of the one who silently destroyed me.



Funny, It seems he was better off without me. I was never in the picture and things were going good and then I graced him with my presence and everything was set in disarray. Once I leave things start to clear up again.What makes things ironic is my life's pages were falling from it's binding and then he comes along and I was sown back together; he leaves and the stitches bust open, and I am leaking all over. Can I go back? Can I do that to him? Can I do that to myself? I'm not sure but I do know that if I stay things will fall back into place weather they are official or not.



Why, when I think of something new, your beautiful face pops into my head. I don't know you. But maybe what I'm thinking is I would like to get to know you. It still urks me that your perfectly stunning smile is etched into my brain as a possibility. Your not. I can't have you, someone else has you. I don't want to change that becasue that would be so Heather and I don't want to do anything Heather would do. I have a feeling that I might accidently slip up. Who knows, maybe things with you and her have died down. But with my luck, they haven't.

New Beginnings

Starting over always feels good.
I think thats what I need,
A new start.
Nothing from the past holding me down.
Only the future to look towards.
I need to get rid of all of my recent mistakes.
Lord knows I have made quite a few lately.
Getting mixed up in a number of boys,
all happening to be very bad news for me.
Some not as bad as others, but still trouble.
I have gotten myself stuck because I'm searching.
I should be letting whatever is supposed to happen,
happen but my greedy self wont let that work.
I keep searching and searching.
The weird thing is I'm finding people.
But even I know they wont work.
For something to work out you can't force it.
I'm forcing it.
It's not going anywhere.
So now is when I do nothing.
Let time work it's magic.
Now is when I have to get rid of everything I know is bad.
Let it all go.
Start off on a blank page.
The page is mine to fill it how I would like.
Maybe I shouldn't be in such a hurry to fill this page.
The last one is filled with swirls and scribbles,
Half of the words are scrached out,
and then rewritten.
I have to stop this nonsince.
It's getting me no where.
Here's to new beginnings.

Less then a perfect day.

We wait for it to come from the very first day of school,
We talk about it all year,
And we make outrageous plans,
But summer is really just, well,
Boring.
It's fun the first week or so.
Having no school looks like a blessing,
But after the sleeping in just because you can,
Eating food that is WAY better then school lunches,
And enjoying doing absoultly nothing all day,
There is not a single thing to do durring the day.
You can only do nothing for so long.
So here is where my problem is.
What to do, what to do, what to do.
I guess I'll go read my book.
Or, maybe I'll go lay out,
If it's sunny enough.
Cleaning is always an option,
But really, who wants to do that.
I guess it couldn't hurt.
Makes Mom happy.
Well I guess I'll stop rambeling,
and do something with my day.

Pour your heart out baby.

I have just found somethinkg that I think would be wise i kept to myself.
For her sake.
I don't know what she has read.
IF she has read any of this.
But I'm sure she had to have read a few.
I didn't really think she knew how to,
Well of course she knew how, but I
didn't think she knew how to do it well.
I guess talents are passed on.
Or maybe the feeling of craziness induces a persons ability to write.
The more I think about that the more it makes since.
When you have no one to listen,
you know the pen and paper will.
At least it feels like someone is listening.
Like you have one friend.
I'm here for you.
Let me take the crazy away.
Let me at least try.
Let me be able to look beyond my own crazy.
Let me help you.
I'm not saying I'll be much help,
just saying I want to try.

Pigs have yet to grow wings.

12:00
There was a tick on his head.
What the heck do I do?
I took him next door.
Wonderful way to start off my day?
2:00
Showering until all the hot water is gone.
So far this is the best part of my day.
2:30
Dealing with Alissa isn't that bad.
When she starts getting annoying,
touching my face only because she
knows it annoys me.
Awesome.
5:30
Wondering when my mother will get home.
Then off to the mall to get Alissa new shoes.
6:45
I will be arriving at church,
only to see the face that will
put the biggest smile on my mouth.

Its good to be home.
We have no food,
its familiar though.

My hair is annoying me.
Whats new?

I wish I could figure the simplest things out.
Guess I'm just mental.
Or maybe I'm just doing this to myself.
Which ever, it has to end.
It will, it has to.
I'll figure it out somehow.

Show me a guy that isn't out to get some,
and I'll show you,
the sky isn't blue,
the grass isn't green,
and we will all live forever.
It just doesn't happen.
People say it's possible,
to find a guy like that.
I say it's impossible.

Piece Me Back Together.

I can't do this.
Silly of me to think I can.
I'm weak.
Hold me.
Love me.
Don't EVER let me go.
Help me breathe.
I can't believe he exists now.
Stay with me,
Until I know he does.
Keep me from trouble.
Be my good influence.
I need one of those.
I'm an emotional wreck.
Pull me back together.
I wouldn't ask if I didn't think you would.
I know you love me,
You haven't left me yet,
That shows something.
Your the only one I trust.
I need you.
I love you Sophia.

Where Are You?

Where are you?
Why cant I see you?
Why did you leave?
She prays to you everyday.
Why cant you listen to her.
Why don't you answer her prayers.
She depends so much on you.
You are everything to her.
You are her hope.
You are her strength.
You are her guidance.
Why are you letting her down?
Why are you letting me down?
I don't think you exist anymore.
If you are so powerful, why don't you help?
What are you doing?
What are you waiting for?
Things are beyond broken.
They are shattered.
Quite frankly I don't think this is mend able.
I don't think this thing called my family is mend able.
I'm so scared of him.
Why do you let him scare me.
I cant love him.
I don't want to love him.
You have to love him for me.
He is the monster of my nightmares.
He no longer is father to me.
I don't think he has been for quite some time.
He is now just the face of evil.
When people think hatred they think the devil.
When I think hatred I see my fathers face.
Nothing ever changes.
He seems to be switching roles every month or so.
But the one role he plays the best is the Beast.
Everyone else looks at him and sees an old balding guy.
I look at him, at his very best, and his eyes glow,
His teeth sharpen, nails grow, and he is covered in fur.
Don't make him angry.
He will rip you apart.
Say one wrong thing and his razor sharp fangs,
are ready to pierce through your throat like it was butter.
Try and turn and run but he is right on you,
nails ripping you limb from limb.
I want him to go away.
I want you to come back.
So many people say you are there.
I have never felt so alone in my life.
Please, do something.
Prove to me I didn't just write this whole thing,
to someone who doesn't even exist.

Rebellious Summer.

Sophia Niccum is the ugliest thing to walk the planet Earth....

JUST KIDDING!

So you know how the other day I was saying that this summer could go one of two ways,
Yeah well I think I know which way its heading towards.
Numero Dos.
Yep, that's the one where I have become an utter failure at life.
No trust what-so-ever from the "parental figures"
Whatever, they want to play like that,
so can I.
In fact I believe I'm entirely more experienced
then they EVER were in that area.
Why would that be you ask?
Oh, right, cause they were not forced to lie.
They were not forced to go behind their parents backs,
just to live like a ''normal'' teenager.
I guess that makes since cause we all know my mother,
was NEVER a teenager.
Never once did she ever want to go out and party.
Never once did she ever want to try alcohol.
Never once did she ever want to break the rules and crawl out tiny windows,
that were never made to be crawled out of.
I guess you could say my dad was a teenager.
He said he went out and partied.
He said he tried alcohol.
And I'm pretty sure he has snuck out a time or two.
But that doesn't make my life any easier,
because he quit all of that when he met my mom.
Wow, way to cut me some slack guys.
This summer is going to go how
YOU GUYS make it.
You can make it easy,
or very hard.
It all depends,
do you want your little girl to go off,
partying that much more harder,
getting that much more drunk,
and wanting to sneak out that much more.
Cause I can guarantee that if you don't let me do what I want,
that's what I will be doing; wanting to disobey that much more.
Just watch, I'll be destroying myself,
all in spite of no one but the ones who wanted to protect me.
Well guess what, your doing it all wrong,
your smothering me.
This is YOUR fault.
I hope your happy.
The summer is young,
you can stop now,
while your ahead,
you probably won't though.
Thanks for giving me the most exciting,
most rebellious challenge ever.
I'm sure I'll be able to mess it up
better then you could have ever even thought of.
Really, you just made this the best summer of my life.
Thanks.

I Hate HIM.

Choices, choices, choices,
Oh what lovely things.
If only I was better at making the right ones.
50 percent of the time they are not bad,
the other 50 percent, well you get it.
Right about now there are 70 million
different things I would like to say
to a couple people, but I wont.
Things around me have changed,
DRASTICALLY CHANGED.
He is back,
for good.
This scares the hell out of me.
What if he screws up again?
Will she kick him out and that be the end?
Will she ignore it because she doesn't want to end it?
The thing is, HE is still in there.
HE hasn't left.
HE who always comlpains,
HE who goes off on tangents.
HE who I want to run and hide from.
HE who I want to punch in the face.
HE who I never want to live with.
HE who doesnt love me.
HE will always be there.
Who knows how long it will be,
untill He makes his appearence,
but I know HE will.
HE will never leave.

Summer 2009 ,
Baby am I excited!
This could mean a couple of things.
One, I have the greatest time of my life.
Two, I have no life because my parents still dont trust me.
I'm just going to have to do everything
I possibly can do to get them to trust me,
then the real fun begins.
P A R T Y !
My first highschool summer!


I have to go.
Crying myself to sleep.
I Hate HIM.

bye.

Dear Friend,

I would like to start off by saying,
I am deeply sorry.
I'm sorry for hurting you.
I know this past week,
had to have been hell.
I would also like to say,
I'm trying.
I'm trying to see myself for,
who God has made me.
I'm trying to accept that,
while I don't like who I am,
others still do anyways.
I'm trying to convince myself,
that I can't change the person
he has intended me to be.
There is apparently nothing to fix.
Although I feel there is much to
change there is nothing I can do.
I am who I am.
Now the only problem is,
convincing myself that.
I know it won't be in months,
or weeks,
and deffinatly not days.
I know you have your own problems.
Please, oh please, come to me with them.
Yes I have issues but I would never,
not have enough time to help you.
I'm sorry I didn't see,
that I was hurting you.
You know I wouldn't do it on purpose.
Let me help you pull yourself together.
Let me be there, holding your hand.
Let me take on your problems.
We all know I do that best.
I want everything to be about you.
Taking my mind off of my problems,
is probably the best thing for me.
I love you.
I'm sorry.

Trapped

I'm trapped in my own thoughts.

I can't escape them.

Everything is begining to run together,

like a giant blur of lights.

I can't concentrate on anything else.

School work is left undone.

So many problems,

like the dull roar of a restraunt,

the problems never go away,

they only get pushed to the back of my head.

The are begining to get louder.

I have headaches from thinking so much.

Now is when I want to run.

I want to run and hide from myself.

I picture myself crawling out of my skin,

hiding behind a couch,

peeking over the arm,

watching my thoughts eat my body,

watching it twist in pain,

possibly running into walls because of the confusion. (Ha!)

I want to leave it all behind.

But instead I'm stuck.

Thoughts are filling my head.

The problems are getting bigger.

They wont leave room for me.

Im getting pushed out of my own brain.

But wait, there isn't anywhere to go.

The problems are swallowing me.

I can't stand this constant feeling,

like I'm drowning.

I'm only able to breath from the small,

slowly dissapearing pocket of air,

at the top of my mind.

Let me escape.

Let me run far away.

Let me run, and never look back.

Let me start over,

anywhere but here,

trapped in my world of thoughts.

Stale Popcorn, And Watered Down Slushies.

Sin is a nasty thing.
Everyone does it,
so why do I feel like
the dirtiest person to ever walk the planet?
I'm not perfect, and I sense that,
every day of my imperfect life.
I do things I never thought I would do,
take part in things I thought I would never take part in.
I hurt people I don't intend to hurt.
I think that is the worst part.
I don't care what happens to me.
I do care what happens to the people around me.
I would die for them.
When I go and do the things I have been doing,
I hurt them.
Yes, them, being plural.
The really bad thing is,
there are probably people I'm hurting,
that I don't know about.
I wish I could stop.
I wish I didn't think I had to do certian things.
I wish I didn't care what others thought.
I wish I didn't hurt myself.
I struggle every day,
trying to be a better person.
It's hard.
My Mom says "Do what's best for Heather"
How can I, when I don't care whats
"Best for Heather"
I'm trying, I really am.
I'm trying to care about what is best for me.
Mean while all of those people that care,
they sit there and watch.
They sit and watch me destroy myself,
they watch me destroy me family,
they watch me destroy my future.
Sooner or later they are going to get bored.
They can't wait forever for the ending,
I guess it would be like watching a horror movie,
except in this one the monster is never killed,
and in the sequel he doesn't die either.
No matter how many sequels there are,
the madness never ends.
My horror film is the kind where,
the monster is killed only by its own stupidity.
But sooner or later people are going to,
press the power button,
throw out the stale, soggy popcorn,
get up and walk out their numb butts,
then leave the room saying,
"Wow that was a waste of 15 years."
Some people will leave the room way before
the monster kills its self.
They won't be there forever.
I just ask that the people that are still there,
the people that are still chewing on stale popcorn,
and sipping on watered down slushies,
the ones who have forgotten how to use their legs,
the ones that haven't fallen asleep yet.
please don' t leave.
I need you.
If I get through this ,
you will be the reason.
I'm not forcing you to stay,
just saying it would be nice.

I'm becoming happier.

It won't last.

That makes me sad.

Do I want to be happy?

Will being happy make my life dull?

Whatever,

I'm still a wreck.

Either way,

Nothing lasts forever.

I'm still not happy with myself.

Vomit once daily to induce happiness,

and achieve perfection.

One step closer to a better me, hopefully.

Family: Parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not.
How ironic.
This is what "Family" is written in the dictionary as.
My favorite part is,
"whether dwelling together or not"
To me this just proves something.
Society has made the family,
to be nothing but "blood related" people.
Who cares if you are united..
Last time I checked,
my definition of family was more of,
a unit type of thing.
But, seeing as 50% of all marriages,
end up in divorce the Dictionary's definition,
would appear to be more accurate.
It saddens my heart to hear that.
Just think, that means MY marriage has a
50% chance that it might be a failure.
That means YOUR marriage has a
50% chance of failing .
Well isn't that just reassuring.
If you get anything out of this it should be this;
Don't be to easily committed.
I know, how hypocritical of me.
I'm the one to jump into relationships,
head on, full speed, never looking back,
never pausing for a second to weigh my consequences.
But as I said earlier,
I'm trying my best to change.
From now on I'm going to think things over,
take my time.
No need to rush things,
I have to rest of my life,
I hope.
I figure, if a good thing is there,
it will wait.
Good things are always worth waiting for.
The only problem is recognising what a good thing looks like.
That I constantly struggle with.
I have probably let so many good things pass me by,
while all my time was consumed by,
the more appealing, risky path.
People say "You only have one life to live,
mess it up right"
I used to think that was the smartest thing I have ever heard.
Well, my thoughts on that have changed.
It is probably the stupidest thing I have ever heard.
It should be"You only have one life to life,
live it right, make a difference"
Still as I'm writing this,
and you are reading it,
I find it extremely hard to believe it,
and I wouldn't doubt it,
you think I'm just talking out of my butt.
But give it a chance.
Realize it's the choices you make,
that make who you are.
Right now I am the horrible person I am,
because of the horrible choices I have made.
Some of the choices are still effecting me.
I will learn to over come them soon.

Surfacing

My chest is moving up and down.
I feel the pulse under my skin.
I feel the hunger in my stomach.
I know I'm alive.
I feel dead, but I know I'm alive.
What I don't know is how.
How did I make it through these past couple days?
The odds were up against me.
I'm home now.
I'm isolated.
Now is when I feel dead.
No one is there to make me smile.
I go to school and the atmosphere
smothers the feeling of loneliness.
When I enter the house door the mask dissolves.
Sixteen hours and I will be alright.
I cant run away from my problems,
but I can escape them for 8 hours.
People care about me there.
I know I'm loved.
Well, they love the monster,
but that's better then nothing.
I try my hardest.
Every time I feel the monster,
clawing its way to the surface,
I shove it away to where it is emerging from,
deep inside me.
Progress is all I can ask for.
Progress is what I'm making.
Today was a happier day.
Tomorrow I hope will be even better.
Maybe it was just this week.
I hope so.
I cant have images of my life,
with out the leading roll,
passing through my mind anymore.
I see the surface.
I can't reach it,
but at least I can see it now.
I have to make it there soon.
I have to, or else my lungs will collapse.
I'm holding my breath for the moment,
the moment that I will finally escape.
When I can finally breath again.
I was so deep before.
Darkness surrounded me.
It will soon be over.
I just hope it's for the better.

"The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive
But I feel like I died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away"

My new song...

Is to my beautiful Sophia.
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!
"Your Beautiful.. Your beautiful... It's true.
I saw your face, in a crowded place,
and I don't know what to do,
cause I'll never be with you."
Ha your mom and I sure know how to serenade you!

A sleepless night is once again in my futeure.
Images I have never seen,
I wish i never had seen,
and i never wisht to see again flood my head.
Thoughts are scrambled.
I try to sort through them,
but taht only increases the horrible sights.
Thoughts of death seep into my brian.
Thoughts of my own death,
thoughts of my sisters death,
thoughts of my mothers death.
Rebuking the thoughts only seem to make them rush faster.
I'm scared.
I'm scared of myself.
If only I couldnt be someone different.
Remove myself from my body and walk away.
Walk away from all the problems tomorrow promises to bring.
I'm traped.
I don't know the person that has taken over me.
Someone help.
I'm drowning myself.
I'm losing eveything that was ever dear to me.
I want to live, I really do.
Just not this life.
I want to be able to love my sister.
I want to be able to love my mom,
and my dad,
and my brother,
but I can't.
I can't because I don't love myself.
I'm a monster.
This isn't me.
This isn't who God intended me to be.
Why is this so hard?
Why cant I give up everything I know is bad and move on?
Have I lost hope?
Have i lost hope that my life actually means something?
I know it does.
I see the fear in my mothers eyes,
when we talk about my problems.
I see her giving up because thats all sh can do.
The monster that is me,
won't allowanything else.
I hate the monster.
Someone take it away.
Someone save me from the monster.
Please.

Alissa Marie Hale.

You are my life baby.
Going on without you is not an option.
The thought of it makes me instantly sick to my stomach.
I curl into a ball so the pieces of me,
don't fall apart.
There is no doubt about it,
if you were to leave this earth,
so would I.
Your my hope.
You keep me breathing.
Words can not amount to how much guilt I carry.
Guilt brought upon myself for neglecting you.
Neglecting you while you were standing there,
screaming for my attention.
I looked right past you.
I failed you.
I hate myself for that.
There is no way to make up for lost time.
I can only pray we can start over.
Build a new relationship.
One on trust.
One on honesty.
One not upon betrayal.
One not upon bitterness.
You are my best friend.
You always have been.
I know exactly what you are going through.
I'm living it with you baby.
I know what its like to feel crazy.
I know what its like to feel alone.
I know how it feels to not have a single,
stable thing to lean on.
From now on I depend on you.
You are all I have.
You are my only trust.
When you hurt I hurt.
When you are happy I will radiate with joy.
We don't have to go through this alone.
Together we can make it.
We dot have any one else.
Its only us.
We can do it.
I love you.

the monster is coming out.

Today had been an eventful day. Almost more than I can handle. Everything just kept coming. It was like one thing after another. As today was an eventful day it was depressing as well. Most likely the most depressing day I have ever lived. Death never sounded so good. I'm not dying tonight but falling asleep and not having to wake awaken to another dreadful morning doesn't sound like such a tragedy to me, maybe even be pleasant. I just can't take it. Everyone wants a piece of me. Either that of thet reject even the thought of having some of me. Either way it's wearing on me and quite honestly I don't want to deal with it. If I never had to make another decision what could be so bad about that? The biggest issue present is my family situation. Alissa has a secret that seems to be tearing her up. she won't be attending school tomorrow it is that bad. At one point it made me mad that she wouldn't tell me. Kayla knew and she isn't even related to her. Maybe she is keeping it from me for my own good. Like I do to her, I would never tell her I'm done with my life because I know I maycertainly feel it but I know I wouldn't act on it. I feel my father growing inside of me. This involuntary personality beginning to emerge. It's crawling to the surface, beginning to break free and show it's true colors. It wants to be noticed, want s everyone to know it's name. Well it has a few names. The first one is depression, and the second, bipolar. Self control and self worth fit in there somewhere also. It's hard to love someone when you don't love yourself. Sometimes I wish I would finally get my heart broken badly that I would never try again I wouldn't seek my fairytale ending. Living alone forever actually sounds quite appealing at times. That way you are only responsible for yourself and your own actions. but that won't happen being the person of repetition I am I care about others and I always will be. I swear that exact issue will be my life, and the death of me.

Sophia.

Once again I sit here crying to myself.
I think God is trying to tell me something.
He sent Sophia to me.
Her words mean so much.
I have to go but I'll be on later,
to write about my new found friend.
Thank you Sophia

I'm done.

I'm alone.
I'm tired.
I'm sick.
I'm depressed.
I'm bipolar.
I'm done.
I'm done with life.
I'm done with the stupid decisions,
that have to be made.
I'm done waking up every morning,
hoping tomorrow won't come.
I'm done pretending to be happy.
I'm done thinking my things will get better.
I'm done with every little thing that brings me down.
I'm done trusting.
I'm done trusting myself.
I'm done trusting my "friends".
I'm done trusting God.
I'm done relying on him to make things better,
nothing has changed so far.
I'm done with school.
I'm done with my Dad.
I'm done with my Mom.
I'm done with my sister.
I'm done with my brother.
I'm done with myself.
I'm alone.
I'm tired.
I'm sick.
I'm depressed.
I'm bipolar.
I'm done.

Invisiblility; sometimes this is a good thing.

This is why I love Sophia Nuccum dearly,

You're my best friend,
I hate that you're hurting so much.
I wish I could take this pain from you.
I wish I could make it all go away,
and you could sleep easy tonight.
I can't say I know what it's like,
for parents to be like that towards each other.
I can't say I know what it's like to have the idea
of one or the other parent moving out,
and having to decide.
I can't say I know what it's like.
But what I can say is,
I'm here for you.
No matter what happens,
No matter who you live with,
No matter what they decide,
You'll be oaky.
God has a better plan than all of this.
I know it's a bump in the road,
And I know it has been for a long time,
But if you were looking at your life from the outside,
You would say Just Keep Pushing Baby Girl!
The amazing part of your life is just over the hill,
You're just too distracted inside the chaos,
You can't see how close you are.
To peace,
To happiness,
To that contentness you knew growing up.
Hold on, Baby;It's all going to be okay.
I'll be right here by your side.

Chaos.

Looking back on the past I have noticed something; a good thing never lasts.
Because of this I have decided to never get my hopes up.
Everything may seem just fine in the beginning,
but just wait and you will find it will soon become chaos.
Honestly is this a joke right now.
Finally I get over something that will never happen,
only to find that the other thing I want will never happen either.
Well it could have happened if someone or some people would have never interrupted.
I do like you.
I do feel horrible for what I have done to you in the past.
I do wish there was something I could do to make up for it.
I do understand why you should'nt trust me.
I don't understand what happened this weekend.
I wish I would have heard from you.
I know I won't hear it from you.
I wish things would have panned out differently.
I thought you felt the same way as you used to about me.
I guess my luck is up.
It's happened before, but I didn't expect it to be one occurrence after another.
But really, whats new?
God must have been having a really bad day when he sat down and planned the rest of my life.
This whole thing is a joke.
At the moment I struggle to find the exact purpose for our life on this earth.
Well I guess I can't say "at the moment"
It's something I haven't been able to stop thinking about since God knows when.
I guess I'm just not thankful for the things I have been given.
What I am thankful for is having friends that understand me,
and care so much about me.
I never asked to be loved so much by the two greatest people on this earth,
and I sure as heck don't deserve them.
Jamie, you were there when no one else was.
You have seen me at the lowest point of my life.
When nothing that anyone said mattered at all,
you were the one who kept me going.
You were the last bit of life that I held on to so hard, for so long.
I'm surprised you're not badly bruised from me holding on so tightly.
Surly anyone else would have suffocated.
I can't thank you enough for being my best friend.
Sophia, if anyone understands me, it would be you.
We both know what it's like to live in a world that makes no since what so ever.
Together we do make up a pretty messed up team.
Thank you for being there.
Thank you for being able to relate so much to me.
If it wasn't for you I wouldn't understand half of my feelings.
You have a way of putting things in perspective.
I know we have had an odd friendship,
but it was all worth it.
I'm sure we will be friends for a long time,
just becasue we are so similar.
You write things that normaly wouldn't mean anything to me.
I don't know why, but coming from you they make me burst into tears.
Thank you so much for being there,
even after finding out how much of a messed up person I really am.
Going on after today is going to be just as much of a struggle as anyother day.
Feeling worthless isn't really a desired feeling.
It just kind of happens.
"I wish I was grateful.
I wish I was confident.
I wish I could think I was pretty.
I wish my Dad would say he loves me.
I wish I had a better way to communicate that I'm hurt,
rather than bitter insults, and pushing you away.
I wish I hadn't snuck out that time.
I wish I had never believed you.
I wish I had never trusted you.
I wish I had never believed in you.
I wish I didn't wish so much."
Thanks Sophia.^

Sleepless Night.

It would be nice if we could rewind back into time. I'm pretty sure if ANYONE was given the chance they would go back and change at least a half a dozen things. Me, well I would change the day my parents met. Don't get me wrong, I would want them to met, it would just be in the best interest of everyone that they would meet on a later date. They needed more time to actually think about this huge decision called marriage, rather than acting upon impulse. I don't think they actually realized how many people they would be dragging down with them when they came up with what they thought was a genius idea. I'm not sure but I wouldn't think that living together for fifteen years and then having one of them move out was their plan. I mean it has happened what, three times now. That I am sure is something never thought would happen. Never the less it did, and now my siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, close friends, and I all have to deal with this issue on a regular basis. Sometimes it's easy to "become distracted" from the truth. There is no way I could forget so I guess you would call it being "distracted". Anyways, he is out of the house now and has been for quite some time. Today brought new meaning to our situation; we were asked what we would think if he were to move back in and she go stay at the grandmother's. It startled me. I never really thought about it. Now thinking about it makes me uneasy. It wouldn't be horrible but it defiantly wouldn't be my idea of a great solution. So tonight I think I will sit in bed and it will be another one of those nights spent tossing and turning because of the thoughts that have accumulated over the course of the day, or week. Oh joy, yet another sleepless night.

75 cents an hour

Isn't it great to be seen as a whore in the eyes of the public? it pretty bad when your known as the one who will put out if you push her hard enough but when your own father says something to the fact that you have a history with about every guy at school. I think thats telling you something.

FOR SALE: my life; you can take it.

Whiplash; what I am currently feeling, my recent mood swings are the reason. It would be great to feel nothing at all. If only there was a medication, take once daily to induce numbness of mind and body. The genius that comes up with that one better hit me up ASAP. I freak myself out. Honestly I didn’t know one small mind could hold so many thoughts, regrets, guilt’s, passions, and pleasures. If only god made the human mind slightly less intricate. I’m a troubled teenaged nobody. Sometimes I’m alright with that but other times I wish I held a different destiny. It would be awesome if you could pick your life sentencing. Being the masochistic person I am I would probably pick some horrible fate for myself, like reliving my life over and over. Another light bulb thought, adopt a life. If I could give my life up for adoption I would in a meaningless heartbeat and then feel sorry for the poor soul that would be crazy enough to take it… as if that would happen. My life would be the sad individual that gets passed from foster home to foster home because it’s to troubled for any one to handle. Seeing as adopt a life and my would-be-completely-dependent-on-if-it-existed are nonexistent, I’m screwed.

I love you. I hate you. I cant live without you.

I hate you.
I hate you more then ever.
It’s your fault it’s come to this.
It’s true I’m the one making the decision but it was your decision to make,
you made me choose this.
You chose for the both of us.
I hate you for being there when I was weak and needed someone to save me.
I hate you for helping me.
Why couldn’t you have just left me there, lifeless and bleeding?
I hate you for telling me everything was going to be okay.
You lied to me the moment those words left your lips.
You lied to me the moment you said I was safe with you;
that you would never hurt me.
Why didn’t you just tell me it would hurt this bad.
Surly you knew.
I hate you for everything you do.
You make false promises you can’t keep.
You lie only to help yourself.
Sometimes I wonder if you think of anyone but yourself.
I hate you because you made me believe that every moment
I was with you I was becoming stronger.
That’s not true.
I’m weaker because of you.
You wear me down to nothing.
I hate you because I trusted you.
I told you everything not because you tricked me
but because I truly trusted you.
You don’t deserve my trust.
I hate you because you know how I feel
and you choose to do nothing about it.
I hate you because I think you’re perfect.
How can you not be?
Every time I look at you my head runs rapid and I forget to breathe.
I hate you because the truth is I loved you.
I hate that I loved you.
Why can’t I just not love at all?
Why can’t I be smart enough to realize that it just can’t happen for me?
I’m so stupid.
I loved you.

The art of losing yourself.

So the more I think, the more I realize that Dad isn't the only one with issues in this family. I mean, there's Alissa, who obviously has secret feelings that no one knows about..she always seems to be holding something back like she has this mask on and is always feeding everyone lies. I've always wondered what is going through her head, and truth is, I would probably be shocked if I knew. And then there's Ryan. Everyone he meets thinks he's the sweetest ten year old they have ever met, because he knows how to use his manners. The truth is, he is becoming more and more temperamental everyday. He gets so upset over the littlest things and his reactions become more irrational with each outlash. He needs to learn to control that, or else he's doomed because that's a hard habit to break. There is me, and Lord knows how many problems I have; from self worth to depression to freaking eating disorder. lying. sneaking around. cussing, and just about anything else you can think of, I've been there. I'm very indecisive, and when I finally make up my mind, there is no stopping me. Then there's Dad, and he has the same little problems that he's always had. With the anger and the temper and what not. But the real person's problem's that are overlooked are Mom's. Everything is so out of order, she just doesn't know what to do with herself. And she gets depressed, really depressed, and when she gets angry, she completely shuts down to the rest of the world. She won't talk to you about her problems, she literally won't say anything to you for three days after the incident. Me and Alissa talk about it all the time, we don't know what to do. It pisses us off that she tells us that we need to talk about it if we have a problem with her, and when she's pissed, she'll just go off by herself and not say anything to anyone. I've thought through every solution possible, I could just refuse to talk to her, but if I do that, it'll just make her more angry. And we will end up not talking for two weeks. Many times we try to just get her to talk about what's wrong, and she says that nothing is wrong...ok mom, yeah I really believe your bullcrap, tell me what's wrong...but it never works. the thing is she has no clue what to do. She's sending us to counseling, when she herself should be going in it. How do we learn if we don't have an example? One of these days she's just going to snap, and when it happens it won't be pretty. when I was little I used to think I had the perfect family, we were living in a nice place, I had siblings that I loved but I could pick on every once in a while, my parents loved each other, we had money, I got pretty much everything I wanted, and I rarely got in trouble. Everything felt so secure, like if anything outside of my family happened, I would always have my family that I knew loved me and would be there to back me up. Boy was I wrong, It seems like every year, I find I don't know anything about my family. I don't know anything about anyone in my family. The first person I lost touch with was my dad, that's kind of given though. The bad thing is I can't totally remember, but I don't think I even saw it coming. It was just one day, hey let's go somewhere with grandma. I remember I would never get called down to the office, and whenever I did, I would think the worst thing had happened. I thought I would walk into the office, and they would say I'm so sorry but you're mother has been in an accident or some crazy thing like that. But by the time I would make it to the office, I would talk myself out of it, and I would be fine. but that day in fourth grade, when everything in my life got flipped upside down, I walked into the office, thinking there was a message saying my father was going to pick me up, not ride the bus home. That was the one day that my thoughts came to life. I didn't hear the news until we left school with Grandma and walked into pastor Barry's office. but that day was the day I walked into the office once again expecting horrible news, and this time that's exactly what I got. It's kinda weird how I remember everything about that day, but I won't go there. Back to losing people, Well I never really knew Ryan, but he was the next to go. he started growing a temper, and for the first time, I actually saw what Ryan was made of. Next was my sister, ever since the split, something happened. she used to be my best friend. she is becoming more and more foreign to me, she's so secluded. I never thought I would lose my Mom, I would always know that Lady who loved me unconditionally, and who knew so much a bout me. I started losing her about a year ago. with all the hostility from her and dads relationship, she started losing herself, and the most shocking of all, I lost myself. with losing everything you have ever known to be so close to you, how are you not supposed to lose yourself. isn't that what makes you you? the people around you and the things you do with them. it's just so hard to make sense of anything anymore. My grip on the knowledge that I had about my life and how to deal with it is slipping. One more little slip and I'm falling off the cliff.