I Hate HIM.

Choices, choices, choices,
Oh what lovely things.
If only I was better at making the right ones.
50 percent of the time they are not bad,
the other 50 percent, well you get it.
Right about now there are 70 million
different things I would like to say
to a couple people, but I wont.
Things around me have changed,
DRASTICALLY CHANGED.
He is back,
for good.
This scares the hell out of me.
What if he screws up again?
Will she kick him out and that be the end?
Will she ignore it because she doesn't want to end it?
The thing is, HE is still in there.
HE hasn't left.
HE who always comlpains,
HE who goes off on tangents.
HE who I want to run and hide from.
HE who I want to punch in the face.
HE who I never want to live with.
HE who doesnt love me.
HE will always be there.
Who knows how long it will be,
untill He makes his appearence,
but I know HE will.
HE will never leave.

Summer 2009 ,
Baby am I excited!
This could mean a couple of things.
One, I have the greatest time of my life.
Two, I have no life because my parents still dont trust me.
I'm just going to have to do everything
I possibly can do to get them to trust me,
then the real fun begins.
P A R T Y !
My first highschool summer!


I have to go.
Crying myself to sleep.
I Hate HIM.

bye.

Dear Friend,

I would like to start off by saying,
I am deeply sorry.
I'm sorry for hurting you.
I know this past week,
had to have been hell.
I would also like to say,
I'm trying.
I'm trying to see myself for,
who God has made me.
I'm trying to accept that,
while I don't like who I am,
others still do anyways.
I'm trying to convince myself,
that I can't change the person
he has intended me to be.
There is apparently nothing to fix.
Although I feel there is much to
change there is nothing I can do.
I am who I am.
Now the only problem is,
convincing myself that.
I know it won't be in months,
or weeks,
and deffinatly not days.
I know you have your own problems.
Please, oh please, come to me with them.
Yes I have issues but I would never,
not have enough time to help you.
I'm sorry I didn't see,
that I was hurting you.
You know I wouldn't do it on purpose.
Let me help you pull yourself together.
Let me be there, holding your hand.
Let me take on your problems.
We all know I do that best.
I want everything to be about you.
Taking my mind off of my problems,
is probably the best thing for me.
I love you.
I'm sorry.

Trapped

I'm trapped in my own thoughts.

I can't escape them.

Everything is begining to run together,

like a giant blur of lights.

I can't concentrate on anything else.

School work is left undone.

So many problems,

like the dull roar of a restraunt,

the problems never go away,

they only get pushed to the back of my head.

The are begining to get louder.

I have headaches from thinking so much.

Now is when I want to run.

I want to run and hide from myself.

I picture myself crawling out of my skin,

hiding behind a couch,

peeking over the arm,

watching my thoughts eat my body,

watching it twist in pain,

possibly running into walls because of the confusion. (Ha!)

I want to leave it all behind.

But instead I'm stuck.

Thoughts are filling my head.

The problems are getting bigger.

They wont leave room for me.

Im getting pushed out of my own brain.

But wait, there isn't anywhere to go.

The problems are swallowing me.

I can't stand this constant feeling,

like I'm drowning.

I'm only able to breath from the small,

slowly dissapearing pocket of air,

at the top of my mind.

Let me escape.

Let me run far away.

Let me run, and never look back.

Let me start over,

anywhere but here,

trapped in my world of thoughts.

Stale Popcorn, And Watered Down Slushies.

Sin is a nasty thing.
Everyone does it,
so why do I feel like
the dirtiest person to ever walk the planet?
I'm not perfect, and I sense that,
every day of my imperfect life.
I do things I never thought I would do,
take part in things I thought I would never take part in.
I hurt people I don't intend to hurt.
I think that is the worst part.
I don't care what happens to me.
I do care what happens to the people around me.
I would die for them.
When I go and do the things I have been doing,
I hurt them.
Yes, them, being plural.
The really bad thing is,
there are probably people I'm hurting,
that I don't know about.
I wish I could stop.
I wish I didn't think I had to do certian things.
I wish I didn't care what others thought.
I wish I didn't hurt myself.
I struggle every day,
trying to be a better person.
It's hard.
My Mom says "Do what's best for Heather"
How can I, when I don't care whats
"Best for Heather"
I'm trying, I really am.
I'm trying to care about what is best for me.
Mean while all of those people that care,
they sit there and watch.
They sit and watch me destroy myself,
they watch me destroy me family,
they watch me destroy my future.
Sooner or later they are going to get bored.
They can't wait forever for the ending,
I guess it would be like watching a horror movie,
except in this one the monster is never killed,
and in the sequel he doesn't die either.
No matter how many sequels there are,
the madness never ends.
My horror film is the kind where,
the monster is killed only by its own stupidity.
But sooner or later people are going to,
press the power button,
throw out the stale, soggy popcorn,
get up and walk out their numb butts,
then leave the room saying,
"Wow that was a waste of 15 years."
Some people will leave the room way before
the monster kills its self.
They won't be there forever.
I just ask that the people that are still there,
the people that are still chewing on stale popcorn,
and sipping on watered down slushies,
the ones who have forgotten how to use their legs,
the ones that haven't fallen asleep yet.
please don' t leave.
I need you.
If I get through this ,
you will be the reason.
I'm not forcing you to stay,
just saying it would be nice.

I'm becoming happier.

It won't last.

That makes me sad.

Do I want to be happy?

Will being happy make my life dull?

Whatever,

I'm still a wreck.

Either way,

Nothing lasts forever.

I'm still not happy with myself.

Vomit once daily to induce happiness,

and achieve perfection.

One step closer to a better me, hopefully.

Family: Parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not.
How ironic.
This is what "Family" is written in the dictionary as.
My favorite part is,
"whether dwelling together or not"
To me this just proves something.
Society has made the family,
to be nothing but "blood related" people.
Who cares if you are united..
Last time I checked,
my definition of family was more of,
a unit type of thing.
But, seeing as 50% of all marriages,
end up in divorce the Dictionary's definition,
would appear to be more accurate.
It saddens my heart to hear that.
Just think, that means MY marriage has a
50% chance that it might be a failure.
That means YOUR marriage has a
50% chance of failing .
Well isn't that just reassuring.
If you get anything out of this it should be this;
Don't be to easily committed.
I know, how hypocritical of me.
I'm the one to jump into relationships,
head on, full speed, never looking back,
never pausing for a second to weigh my consequences.
But as I said earlier,
I'm trying my best to change.
From now on I'm going to think things over,
take my time.
No need to rush things,
I have to rest of my life,
I hope.
I figure, if a good thing is there,
it will wait.
Good things are always worth waiting for.
The only problem is recognising what a good thing looks like.
That I constantly struggle with.
I have probably let so many good things pass me by,
while all my time was consumed by,
the more appealing, risky path.
People say "You only have one life to live,
mess it up right"
I used to think that was the smartest thing I have ever heard.
Well, my thoughts on that have changed.
It is probably the stupidest thing I have ever heard.
It should be"You only have one life to life,
live it right, make a difference"
Still as I'm writing this,
and you are reading it,
I find it extremely hard to believe it,
and I wouldn't doubt it,
you think I'm just talking out of my butt.
But give it a chance.
Realize it's the choices you make,
that make who you are.
Right now I am the horrible person I am,
because of the horrible choices I have made.
Some of the choices are still effecting me.
I will learn to over come them soon.

Surfacing

My chest is moving up and down.
I feel the pulse under my skin.
I feel the hunger in my stomach.
I know I'm alive.
I feel dead, but I know I'm alive.
What I don't know is how.
How did I make it through these past couple days?
The odds were up against me.
I'm home now.
I'm isolated.
Now is when I feel dead.
No one is there to make me smile.
I go to school and the atmosphere
smothers the feeling of loneliness.
When I enter the house door the mask dissolves.
Sixteen hours and I will be alright.
I cant run away from my problems,
but I can escape them for 8 hours.
People care about me there.
I know I'm loved.
Well, they love the monster,
but that's better then nothing.
I try my hardest.
Every time I feel the monster,
clawing its way to the surface,
I shove it away to where it is emerging from,
deep inside me.
Progress is all I can ask for.
Progress is what I'm making.
Today was a happier day.
Tomorrow I hope will be even better.
Maybe it was just this week.
I hope so.
I cant have images of my life,
with out the leading roll,
passing through my mind anymore.
I see the surface.
I can't reach it,
but at least I can see it now.
I have to make it there soon.
I have to, or else my lungs will collapse.
I'm holding my breath for the moment,
the moment that I will finally escape.
When I can finally breath again.
I was so deep before.
Darkness surrounded me.
It will soon be over.
I just hope it's for the better.

"The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive
But I feel like I died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away"

My new song...

Is to my beautiful Sophia.
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!
"Your Beautiful.. Your beautiful... It's true.
I saw your face, in a crowded place,
and I don't know what to do,
cause I'll never be with you."
Ha your mom and I sure know how to serenade you!

A sleepless night is once again in my futeure.
Images I have never seen,
I wish i never had seen,
and i never wisht to see again flood my head.
Thoughts are scrambled.
I try to sort through them,
but taht only increases the horrible sights.
Thoughts of death seep into my brian.
Thoughts of my own death,
thoughts of my sisters death,
thoughts of my mothers death.
Rebuking the thoughts only seem to make them rush faster.
I'm scared.
I'm scared of myself.
If only I couldnt be someone different.
Remove myself from my body and walk away.
Walk away from all the problems tomorrow promises to bring.
I'm traped.
I don't know the person that has taken over me.
Someone help.
I'm drowning myself.
I'm losing eveything that was ever dear to me.
I want to live, I really do.
Just not this life.
I want to be able to love my sister.
I want to be able to love my mom,
and my dad,
and my brother,
but I can't.
I can't because I don't love myself.
I'm a monster.
This isn't me.
This isn't who God intended me to be.
Why is this so hard?
Why cant I give up everything I know is bad and move on?
Have I lost hope?
Have i lost hope that my life actually means something?
I know it does.
I see the fear in my mothers eyes,
when we talk about my problems.
I see her giving up because thats all sh can do.
The monster that is me,
won't allowanything else.
I hate the monster.
Someone take it away.
Someone save me from the monster.
Please.

Alissa Marie Hale.

You are my life baby.
Going on without you is not an option.
The thought of it makes me instantly sick to my stomach.
I curl into a ball so the pieces of me,
don't fall apart.
There is no doubt about it,
if you were to leave this earth,
so would I.
Your my hope.
You keep me breathing.
Words can not amount to how much guilt I carry.
Guilt brought upon myself for neglecting you.
Neglecting you while you were standing there,
screaming for my attention.
I looked right past you.
I failed you.
I hate myself for that.
There is no way to make up for lost time.
I can only pray we can start over.
Build a new relationship.
One on trust.
One on honesty.
One not upon betrayal.
One not upon bitterness.
You are my best friend.
You always have been.
I know exactly what you are going through.
I'm living it with you baby.
I know what its like to feel crazy.
I know what its like to feel alone.
I know how it feels to not have a single,
stable thing to lean on.
From now on I depend on you.
You are all I have.
You are my only trust.
When you hurt I hurt.
When you are happy I will radiate with joy.
We don't have to go through this alone.
Together we can make it.
We dot have any one else.
Its only us.
We can do it.
I love you.

the monster is coming out.

Today had been an eventful day. Almost more than I can handle. Everything just kept coming. It was like one thing after another. As today was an eventful day it was depressing as well. Most likely the most depressing day I have ever lived. Death never sounded so good. I'm not dying tonight but falling asleep and not having to wake awaken to another dreadful morning doesn't sound like such a tragedy to me, maybe even be pleasant. I just can't take it. Everyone wants a piece of me. Either that of thet reject even the thought of having some of me. Either way it's wearing on me and quite honestly I don't want to deal with it. If I never had to make another decision what could be so bad about that? The biggest issue present is my family situation. Alissa has a secret that seems to be tearing her up. she won't be attending school tomorrow it is that bad. At one point it made me mad that she wouldn't tell me. Kayla knew and she isn't even related to her. Maybe she is keeping it from me for my own good. Like I do to her, I would never tell her I'm done with my life because I know I maycertainly feel it but I know I wouldn't act on it. I feel my father growing inside of me. This involuntary personality beginning to emerge. It's crawling to the surface, beginning to break free and show it's true colors. It wants to be noticed, want s everyone to know it's name. Well it has a few names. The first one is depression, and the second, bipolar. Self control and self worth fit in there somewhere also. It's hard to love someone when you don't love yourself. Sometimes I wish I would finally get my heart broken badly that I would never try again I wouldn't seek my fairytale ending. Living alone forever actually sounds quite appealing at times. That way you are only responsible for yourself and your own actions. but that won't happen being the person of repetition I am I care about others and I always will be. I swear that exact issue will be my life, and the death of me.

Sophia.

Once again I sit here crying to myself.
I think God is trying to tell me something.
He sent Sophia to me.
Her words mean so much.
I have to go but I'll be on later,
to write about my new found friend.
Thank you Sophia

I'm done.

I'm alone.
I'm tired.
I'm sick.
I'm depressed.
I'm bipolar.
I'm done.
I'm done with life.
I'm done with the stupid decisions,
that have to be made.
I'm done waking up every morning,
hoping tomorrow won't come.
I'm done pretending to be happy.
I'm done thinking my things will get better.
I'm done with every little thing that brings me down.
I'm done trusting.
I'm done trusting myself.
I'm done trusting my "friends".
I'm done trusting God.
I'm done relying on him to make things better,
nothing has changed so far.
I'm done with school.
I'm done with my Dad.
I'm done with my Mom.
I'm done with my sister.
I'm done with my brother.
I'm done with myself.
I'm alone.
I'm tired.
I'm sick.
I'm depressed.
I'm bipolar.
I'm done.

Invisiblility; sometimes this is a good thing.

This is why I love Sophia Nuccum dearly,

You're my best friend,
I hate that you're hurting so much.
I wish I could take this pain from you.
I wish I could make it all go away,
and you could sleep easy tonight.
I can't say I know what it's like,
for parents to be like that towards each other.
I can't say I know what it's like to have the idea
of one or the other parent moving out,
and having to decide.
I can't say I know what it's like.
But what I can say is,
I'm here for you.
No matter what happens,
No matter who you live with,
No matter what they decide,
You'll be oaky.
God has a better plan than all of this.
I know it's a bump in the road,
And I know it has been for a long time,
But if you were looking at your life from the outside,
You would say Just Keep Pushing Baby Girl!
The amazing part of your life is just over the hill,
You're just too distracted inside the chaos,
You can't see how close you are.
To peace,
To happiness,
To that contentness you knew growing up.
Hold on, Baby;It's all going to be okay.
I'll be right here by your side.

Chaos.

Looking back on the past I have noticed something; a good thing never lasts.
Because of this I have decided to never get my hopes up.
Everything may seem just fine in the beginning,
but just wait and you will find it will soon become chaos.
Honestly is this a joke right now.
Finally I get over something that will never happen,
only to find that the other thing I want will never happen either.
Well it could have happened if someone or some people would have never interrupted.
I do like you.
I do feel horrible for what I have done to you in the past.
I do wish there was something I could do to make up for it.
I do understand why you should'nt trust me.
I don't understand what happened this weekend.
I wish I would have heard from you.
I know I won't hear it from you.
I wish things would have panned out differently.
I thought you felt the same way as you used to about me.
I guess my luck is up.
It's happened before, but I didn't expect it to be one occurrence after another.
But really, whats new?
God must have been having a really bad day when he sat down and planned the rest of my life.
This whole thing is a joke.
At the moment I struggle to find the exact purpose for our life on this earth.
Well I guess I can't say "at the moment"
It's something I haven't been able to stop thinking about since God knows when.
I guess I'm just not thankful for the things I have been given.
What I am thankful for is having friends that understand me,
and care so much about me.
I never asked to be loved so much by the two greatest people on this earth,
and I sure as heck don't deserve them.
Jamie, you were there when no one else was.
You have seen me at the lowest point of my life.
When nothing that anyone said mattered at all,
you were the one who kept me going.
You were the last bit of life that I held on to so hard, for so long.
I'm surprised you're not badly bruised from me holding on so tightly.
Surly anyone else would have suffocated.
I can't thank you enough for being my best friend.
Sophia, if anyone understands me, it would be you.
We both know what it's like to live in a world that makes no since what so ever.
Together we do make up a pretty messed up team.
Thank you for being there.
Thank you for being able to relate so much to me.
If it wasn't for you I wouldn't understand half of my feelings.
You have a way of putting things in perspective.
I know we have had an odd friendship,
but it was all worth it.
I'm sure we will be friends for a long time,
just becasue we are so similar.
You write things that normaly wouldn't mean anything to me.
I don't know why, but coming from you they make me burst into tears.
Thank you so much for being there,
even after finding out how much of a messed up person I really am.
Going on after today is going to be just as much of a struggle as anyother day.
Feeling worthless isn't really a desired feeling.
It just kind of happens.
"I wish I was grateful.
I wish I was confident.
I wish I could think I was pretty.
I wish my Dad would say he loves me.
I wish I had a better way to communicate that I'm hurt,
rather than bitter insults, and pushing you away.
I wish I hadn't snuck out that time.
I wish I had never believed you.
I wish I had never trusted you.
I wish I had never believed in you.
I wish I didn't wish so much."
Thanks Sophia.^

Sleepless Night.

It would be nice if we could rewind back into time. I'm pretty sure if ANYONE was given the chance they would go back and change at least a half a dozen things. Me, well I would change the day my parents met. Don't get me wrong, I would want them to met, it would just be in the best interest of everyone that they would meet on a later date. They needed more time to actually think about this huge decision called marriage, rather than acting upon impulse. I don't think they actually realized how many people they would be dragging down with them when they came up with what they thought was a genius idea. I'm not sure but I wouldn't think that living together for fifteen years and then having one of them move out was their plan. I mean it has happened what, three times now. That I am sure is something never thought would happen. Never the less it did, and now my siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, close friends, and I all have to deal with this issue on a regular basis. Sometimes it's easy to "become distracted" from the truth. There is no way I could forget so I guess you would call it being "distracted". Anyways, he is out of the house now and has been for quite some time. Today brought new meaning to our situation; we were asked what we would think if he were to move back in and she go stay at the grandmother's. It startled me. I never really thought about it. Now thinking about it makes me uneasy. It wouldn't be horrible but it defiantly wouldn't be my idea of a great solution. So tonight I think I will sit in bed and it will be another one of those nights spent tossing and turning because of the thoughts that have accumulated over the course of the day, or week. Oh joy, yet another sleepless night.

75 cents an hour

Isn't it great to be seen as a whore in the eyes of the public? it pretty bad when your known as the one who will put out if you push her hard enough but when your own father says something to the fact that you have a history with about every guy at school. I think thats telling you something.

FOR SALE: my life; you can take it.

Whiplash; what I am currently feeling, my recent mood swings are the reason. It would be great to feel nothing at all. If only there was a medication, take once daily to induce numbness of mind and body. The genius that comes up with that one better hit me up ASAP. I freak myself out. Honestly I didn’t know one small mind could hold so many thoughts, regrets, guilt’s, passions, and pleasures. If only god made the human mind slightly less intricate. I’m a troubled teenaged nobody. Sometimes I’m alright with that but other times I wish I held a different destiny. It would be awesome if you could pick your life sentencing. Being the masochistic person I am I would probably pick some horrible fate for myself, like reliving my life over and over. Another light bulb thought, adopt a life. If I could give my life up for adoption I would in a meaningless heartbeat and then feel sorry for the poor soul that would be crazy enough to take it… as if that would happen. My life would be the sad individual that gets passed from foster home to foster home because it’s to troubled for any one to handle. Seeing as adopt a life and my would-be-completely-dependent-on-if-it-existed are nonexistent, I’m screwed.

I love you. I hate you. I cant live without you.

I hate you.
I hate you more then ever.
It’s your fault it’s come to this.
It’s true I’m the one making the decision but it was your decision to make,
you made me choose this.
You chose for the both of us.
I hate you for being there when I was weak and needed someone to save me.
I hate you for helping me.
Why couldn’t you have just left me there, lifeless and bleeding?
I hate you for telling me everything was going to be okay.
You lied to me the moment those words left your lips.
You lied to me the moment you said I was safe with you;
that you would never hurt me.
Why didn’t you just tell me it would hurt this bad.
Surly you knew.
I hate you for everything you do.
You make false promises you can’t keep.
You lie only to help yourself.
Sometimes I wonder if you think of anyone but yourself.
I hate you because you made me believe that every moment
I was with you I was becoming stronger.
That’s not true.
I’m weaker because of you.
You wear me down to nothing.
I hate you because I trusted you.
I told you everything not because you tricked me
but because I truly trusted you.
You don’t deserve my trust.
I hate you because you know how I feel
and you choose to do nothing about it.
I hate you because I think you’re perfect.
How can you not be?
Every time I look at you my head runs rapid and I forget to breathe.
I hate you because the truth is I loved you.
I hate that I loved you.
Why can’t I just not love at all?
Why can’t I be smart enough to realize that it just can’t happen for me?
I’m so stupid.
I loved you.

The art of losing yourself.

So the more I think, the more I realize that Dad isn't the only one with issues in this family. I mean, there's Alissa, who obviously has secret feelings that no one knows about..she always seems to be holding something back like she has this mask on and is always feeding everyone lies. I've always wondered what is going through her head, and truth is, I would probably be shocked if I knew. And then there's Ryan. Everyone he meets thinks he's the sweetest ten year old they have ever met, because he knows how to use his manners. The truth is, he is becoming more and more temperamental everyday. He gets so upset over the littlest things and his reactions become more irrational with each outlash. He needs to learn to control that, or else he's doomed because that's a hard habit to break. There is me, and Lord knows how many problems I have; from self worth to depression to freaking eating disorder. lying. sneaking around. cussing, and just about anything else you can think of, I've been there. I'm very indecisive, and when I finally make up my mind, there is no stopping me. Then there's Dad, and he has the same little problems that he's always had. With the anger and the temper and what not. But the real person's problem's that are overlooked are Mom's. Everything is so out of order, she just doesn't know what to do with herself. And she gets depressed, really depressed, and when she gets angry, she completely shuts down to the rest of the world. She won't talk to you about her problems, she literally won't say anything to you for three days after the incident. Me and Alissa talk about it all the time, we don't know what to do. It pisses us off that she tells us that we need to talk about it if we have a problem with her, and when she's pissed, she'll just go off by herself and not say anything to anyone. I've thought through every solution possible, I could just refuse to talk to her, but if I do that, it'll just make her more angry. And we will end up not talking for two weeks. Many times we try to just get her to talk about what's wrong, and she says that nothing is wrong...ok mom, yeah I really believe your bullcrap, tell me what's wrong...but it never works. the thing is she has no clue what to do. She's sending us to counseling, when she herself should be going in it. How do we learn if we don't have an example? One of these days she's just going to snap, and when it happens it won't be pretty. when I was little I used to think I had the perfect family, we were living in a nice place, I had siblings that I loved but I could pick on every once in a while, my parents loved each other, we had money, I got pretty much everything I wanted, and I rarely got in trouble. Everything felt so secure, like if anything outside of my family happened, I would always have my family that I knew loved me and would be there to back me up. Boy was I wrong, It seems like every year, I find I don't know anything about my family. I don't know anything about anyone in my family. The first person I lost touch with was my dad, that's kind of given though. The bad thing is I can't totally remember, but I don't think I even saw it coming. It was just one day, hey let's go somewhere with grandma. I remember I would never get called down to the office, and whenever I did, I would think the worst thing had happened. I thought I would walk into the office, and they would say I'm so sorry but you're mother has been in an accident or some crazy thing like that. But by the time I would make it to the office, I would talk myself out of it, and I would be fine. but that day in fourth grade, when everything in my life got flipped upside down, I walked into the office, thinking there was a message saying my father was going to pick me up, not ride the bus home. That was the one day that my thoughts came to life. I didn't hear the news until we left school with Grandma and walked into pastor Barry's office. but that day was the day I walked into the office once again expecting horrible news, and this time that's exactly what I got. It's kinda weird how I remember everything about that day, but I won't go there. Back to losing people, Well I never really knew Ryan, but he was the next to go. he started growing a temper, and for the first time, I actually saw what Ryan was made of. Next was my sister, ever since the split, something happened. she used to be my best friend. she is becoming more and more foreign to me, she's so secluded. I never thought I would lose my Mom, I would always know that Lady who loved me unconditionally, and who knew so much a bout me. I started losing her about a year ago. with all the hostility from her and dads relationship, she started losing herself, and the most shocking of all, I lost myself. with losing everything you have ever known to be so close to you, how are you not supposed to lose yourself. isn't that what makes you you? the people around you and the things you do with them. it's just so hard to make sense of anything anymore. My grip on the knowledge that I had about my life and how to deal with it is slipping. One more little slip and I'm falling off the cliff.