The art of losing yourself.

So the more I think, the more I realize that Dad isn't the only one with issues in this family. I mean, there's Alissa, who obviously has secret feelings that no one knows about..she always seems to be holding something back like she has this mask on and is always feeding everyone lies. I've always wondered what is going through her head, and truth is, I would probably be shocked if I knew. And then there's Ryan. Everyone he meets thinks he's the sweetest ten year old they have ever met, because he knows how to use his manners. The truth is, he is becoming more and more temperamental everyday. He gets so upset over the littlest things and his reactions become more irrational with each outlash. He needs to learn to control that, or else he's doomed because that's a hard habit to break. There is me, and Lord knows how many problems I have; from self worth to depression to freaking eating disorder. lying. sneaking around. cussing, and just about anything else you can think of, I've been there. I'm very indecisive, and when I finally make up my mind, there is no stopping me. Then there's Dad, and he has the same little problems that he's always had. With the anger and the temper and what not. But the real person's problem's that are overlooked are Mom's. Everything is so out of order, she just doesn't know what to do with herself. And she gets depressed, really depressed, and when she gets angry, she completely shuts down to the rest of the world. She won't talk to you about her problems, she literally won't say anything to you for three days after the incident. Me and Alissa talk about it all the time, we don't know what to do. It pisses us off that she tells us that we need to talk about it if we have a problem with her, and when she's pissed, she'll just go off by herself and not say anything to anyone. I've thought through every solution possible, I could just refuse to talk to her, but if I do that, it'll just make her more angry. And we will end up not talking for two weeks. Many times we try to just get her to talk about what's wrong, and she says that nothing is wrong...ok mom, yeah I really believe your bullcrap, tell me what's wrong...but it never works. the thing is she has no clue what to do. She's sending us to counseling, when she herself should be going in it. How do we learn if we don't have an example? One of these days she's just going to snap, and when it happens it won't be pretty. when I was little I used to think I had the perfect family, we were living in a nice place, I had siblings that I loved but I could pick on every once in a while, my parents loved each other, we had money, I got pretty much everything I wanted, and I rarely got in trouble. Everything felt so secure, like if anything outside of my family happened, I would always have my family that I knew loved me and would be there to back me up. Boy was I wrong, It seems like every year, I find I don't know anything about my family. I don't know anything about anyone in my family. The first person I lost touch with was my dad, that's kind of given though. The bad thing is I can't totally remember, but I don't think I even saw it coming. It was just one day, hey let's go somewhere with grandma. I remember I would never get called down to the office, and whenever I did, I would think the worst thing had happened. I thought I would walk into the office, and they would say I'm so sorry but you're mother has been in an accident or some crazy thing like that. But by the time I would make it to the office, I would talk myself out of it, and I would be fine. but that day in fourth grade, when everything in my life got flipped upside down, I walked into the office, thinking there was a message saying my father was going to pick me up, not ride the bus home. That was the one day that my thoughts came to life. I didn't hear the news until we left school with Grandma and walked into pastor Barry's office. but that day was the day I walked into the office once again expecting horrible news, and this time that's exactly what I got. It's kinda weird how I remember everything about that day, but I won't go there. Back to losing people, Well I never really knew Ryan, but he was the next to go. he started growing a temper, and for the first time, I actually saw what Ryan was made of. Next was my sister, ever since the split, something happened. she used to be my best friend. she is becoming more and more foreign to me, she's so secluded. I never thought I would lose my Mom, I would always know that Lady who loved me unconditionally, and who knew so much a bout me. I started losing her about a year ago. with all the hostility from her and dads relationship, she started losing herself, and the most shocking of all, I lost myself. with losing everything you have ever known to be so close to you, how are you not supposed to lose yourself. isn't that what makes you you? the people around you and the things you do with them. it's just so hard to make sense of anything anymore. My grip on the knowledge that I had about my life and how to deal with it is slipping. One more little slip and I'm falling off the cliff.